


Blue Star Mania: Tazmania

by BlueStarMania



Series: blue Star Mania [3]
Category: Ars Paradoxica (Podcast), Doctor Who (2005), The Adventure Zone (Podcast), Wolf 359 (Radio)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-03 19:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16331828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueStarMania/pseuds/BlueStarMania





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
“Co-c-Commander??” Alexa said, “There’s a thing! Approaching the station”  
“A WHAT??”  
“A THING, MINKOWSKI”  
Zombbey, heriberto, and Koermit all looked out the nearest window, along with me, Dog Eiffel, comms office of Shiba iNu 359.  
“Well, that sure is a thing.” herbirt.  
The thing, as it turns out, was a ship! Headed towards the airlock! Headed towards us!

[WHOOSH. SUDDENLY, THE SCENE SHITS.]

Docaneport inhails, as he flis the StarBlastor thru da sky. “It seem the wheather hear is hot and steamy”  
“Fucc yeah it is,” Lup grins wiht her sparkly new teeth, “This is cycle 69.”  
“What else wud it be”?  
Duck Newton scratched their head in confusion.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
“Officer Eiffel, there is a problem going on -- a new ship has appeared and...” Hilbert sed  
“uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh… i dont have an idea wut ur talk about also y havent u showered yet? Sad eiffle  
“Eiffel, this is serious. I understand that you don’t understand what is going on. But if we do not fix the issues in this universe then we will be…” Hilbert sed  
“we will be wut?” Cuttonies 1 fake dog eye appaered to fall open, “i think eveyrthing is going swimmingly, don’t you dog? (: (: (:”  
“itz OFfice doggg to u!” Eiffel growlld  
“Okay, Offie Doggg, u wanna go for a walkie?”  
“YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!” Dogg Effle screamed outloud wile runnin arund in a circle chasin his butt  
suddenly, da big shouldered dude rushed into the room “MAGNUS!”  
a toll woman in da corner of da room silently writ all this down in a Blue journal. herr eyes narrowd as da people in da room continue to scram


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
“What the mc’fuck do you fuckin mean we’re on a goddamn space ship?! Last time I fucking checked we were god damn in 1942! How the god damn mother fucking ballsack did we end up on a space ship?!”  
Kermit stared at her concerned, “Wellllllllll,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i do belief that when,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.. that there time machine -- “  
“You mean the mother-fucking amazeballs Time Piece!” Sally did a rock star pose.  
“sure,.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, wen da Mother Fucking,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Amazeballs Time Piece blue up,...............; it sent us all into da future by resetting the timeline. In fact,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,..… Mr. Jakboi would u plz…”  
“Jacoib?! Didn’t that motherfucker like totally fucking die or some shit like two fuckin days ago?” Sally said.  
“Oh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, right. No,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, wait… did he died in da last part”?  
“Hell if i know, i think he fucking did though. I mean he better have fucking died -- he’s sorta a horrible piece of human fucking shitty ass trash garbage.”  
“Ma’am, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,i do not appreciatte da way u talk,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,., but i do love it.” Kermit said  
“mother fucking shit, what the god damn fuck does that even mean?”


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
“Who exactly do you think you are?” Hilbert said  
“I’m a goddamn empanada, u kno, from that one podcat?” the Empanda took a sip of their Meixco™ Coke, stickier from life than he’d been in a long, long, time.  
“Exactly what is a podcat? I have never heard of such a thing.”  
“ME NEITHER!” yellet le Dog, “I haven’t been on the internet in 47 years!! Is twitter still popular?”


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 (le Mullet)  
(AN: Barrold Bluujeans haz had a mullet da hole time wee jus didnt think we shud addreess it til nao)  
Shall I compare thee mullet to a summer’s mullet?  
Thou art more lovely and more mullet.  
Rough winds do shake the darling bangs of mullet,  
And mullet’s lease hath all too short a date.  
Sometime too hot the mullet of heaven shines,  
And often is his brown locks dimmed;  
And every mullet fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed;  
But thy eternal mullet shall not fade,  
Nor lose possession of that fair mullet ow’st,  
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his mullet,  
When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st.  
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,  
So long lives this mullet, and this gives life to thee.  



	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
Shannon wasn’t sure where they were. The last they knew they were in a field surrounded by fluffy bunnies and rabbits and flies and bugs and insects and other such natural things. Shannon thought it was weird that they now stand in the middle of an old timey village; complete with villagers and pigs and rats and plagues and death and other nasty such natural things.  
Where was Shannon? Shannon did not know. Shannon only knew that the world Shannon stood in was smelly and gross.  
“holla mistress wouldst thee befall to has't any spareth bread f'r which thee couldst shareth with me”  


Shannon was suddenly aware of a sword in their hand. It was ready for blood. And it would get at least a double decker bus of blood.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The Baretender was bare. He wuz holdin his pen out in hiz bear hand n writin sumthin but he couldn’t’ve thot of wut he wuz doin................… did he kill the jacboi in the past? He didn’t know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, alls he knew wuz that this thing needed to bee done. theyy all needed to complete it.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
I am I having a stroke  
Is that what this is ?  
Like, in a cosmic sense?  
these are da thoughts we hav at chiquita-fil-a shack. Theze are our storeys. DOINK DOINK.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9*

Oh, you're the rock, and I'm the glass when I get closer, I plan the plan with the idea that the carts are fast, yes, I'm always thinking of it whenever I want my mind the More, so it's not a blow  
Despacito  
I want to breathe your neck. Please, let me tell you the things in my ear. Remember, when you are not at my side, I want to push you slowly. Post on your traditional walls. Make all your content.  
I want to see my dance on my hair. I want to be your rhythm. What are you looking at with me? My favorite site  
Let me go to the safe areas To retrieve the conversation I will forget your last name If I ask you about a kiss, come give me the idea that I think you're going to try a mother and you give it you give you know it's your heart and you make me karag-bang The boy is looking for my bang bang Come, try my mouth to see your knowledge I want, I want to see, how much your love I'm not fast, I want to continue recently,  
Pasito and pasito, suave suavecito We bite, little kisses kisses me with that awareness when you see you are bad and mild Pasta and pasta, suave suavecito At least we hug the beautiful thing is a puzzle instead "Get up here I'm here Hello!  
Despacito  
I want to smell in my neck When I tell you what's in your ear So you can remember if you're not  
Despacito  
I want to decorate and kiss on writing on the walls of the maze and make your body to the article that I want to see your adult joys I want you to be as a Certificate of Practice in My mouth The best places to make you more vulnerable to the territory of evil so as to arouse your roarings forgetting your name  
Despacito  
This is how we do it down in Puerto Rico I just wanna hear you screaming, "¡Ay, Bendito!" I can move forever se quede contigo ¡Bailalo!  
Please do this, please select me a little less Show me my mouth your favorite portions Pasta and pasta, Suavecito surroundings We admire slightly to wake up your load to forget about the surname  
Despacito


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 (A Harpoon?!)  
Officeral Aeffil stat in his room alone. He had told averyone dat if they needed him, he wud be in his bunk. when he went there howevr, he wuz suprised to see that there wuz a harpoon sittin there. But not just any harpoon -- dis harpoon was mystical. How did he know that? Well, it started to talk to him.  
“Usᴇ Mᴇ Tᴏ Kɪʟʟ Tʜᴇᴍ Aʟʟ, Dᴏɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ! Yᴏᴜ Kɴᴏᴡ Yᴏᴜ Wᴀɴᴛ Tᴏ, Dᴏɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ, Yᴏᴜ Kɴᴏᴡ Tʜᴀᴛ Yᴏᴜ Wᴀɴᴛ Tᴏ Kɪʟʟ Eᴠᴇʀʏ Sɪɴɢʟᴇ Oɴᴇ Oғ Yᴏᴜʀ Fʀɪᴇɴᴅs!” the most curious thing about the talking harpoon was that it spoke in nearly perfect russian. Which Dogg just learned he could understand. More than anything, more than telling him to kill all his friends, the Harpoon really wanted him to kill the empanada. The harpoon told him that it wasn’t good for crew moral. And that the only way to imporve Crew Moral was to kill all the people and empanada. That way nobody could be done and everyone could be happy! That’s how that worked!  
“Wut is your name?” Dogg Eiffel asked the harpoon  
“Mʏ Nᴀᴍᴇ Is Bᴀᴄᴏɴ, Tʜᴇ Dᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇʀ Oғ...” that part wasn’t translated for eiffel.  
“Okay, Bacon... why does you want me to kill mys friends?”  
Bacon thot this over 4 a long long while.  



	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11  
I, Officer Dog Eiffle, do solemnly swear that I am not actually a russian spy. Even if the future weird doppelganger version of me is. That is not me, I am me. I am certainly me, right? Who else would i be other than me? I am me, that’s all i’ve ever been. If i was not me then i’d not be me. I’d be someone not me. But i’m me.  
But then again, if I wasn’t me, would i know i wasn’t me? Would i just be who i am now but not me without knowing that I wasn't actually me anymore? I mean, what about that thing that happened with Jacobi. He didn’t know he wasn’t not him. So how could i, being me, but not being me, possibly not know that i wasn’t possible even me to begin with…


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12  
“i want to breath ur neck” Dogg Eiffel was singin to hiself in da room as everything went on. Bacon hand’t psoken in a long wile. He was begining to think he wuz getting Space Maddness! Or meybe it was Reefer madness. He didn’t really know the difference. plus, he had eaten all da devils lettuce .  
“Oɴ Sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅ Tʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ, Dᴏɢɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ. I Bᴇʟɪᴇᴠᴇ Yᴏᴜ Sʜᴏᴜʟᴅɴ’ᴛ Bᴇ Kɪʟʟɪɴɢ Yᴏᴜʀ Fʀɪᴇɴᴅs, Dᴏɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ. Bᴜᴛ Iɴsᴛᴇᴀᴅ, Dᴏɢɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ, I Tʜɪɴᴋ Yᴏᴜ Sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ Gᴇᴛ Mᴇ Aʟʟ Tʜᴇɪʀ Bʟᴏᴏᴅ. Lɪᴋᴇ, Lɪᴛᴇʀᴀʟʟʏ Aʟʟ Tʜᴇ Bʟᴏᴏᴅ, Dᴏɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ. I Nᴇᴇᴅ Sᴏ Mᴜᴄʜ Bʟᴏᴏᴅ, Dᴏɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ, Yᴏᴜ Dᴏɴ’ᴛ Uɴᴅᴇʀsᴛᴀɴᴅ. Lɪᴋᴇ Aᴛ Lᴇᴀsᴛ A Cᴜʙɪᴄ Tᴏɴ Oғ Bʟᴏᴏᴅ. Aᴛ Lᴇᴀsᴛ A Pʀᴇsᴄʜᴏᴏʟs Wᴏʀᴛʜ Oғ Bʟᴏᴏᴅ. Lɪᴋᴇ Sᴏ Mᴜᴄʜ Bʟᴏᴏᴅ, Dᴏɢᴇ Eɪғғᴇʟ. Aɴᴅ Iᴛ’s Gᴏᴛᴛᴀ Bᴇ Fʀᴇsʜ. Nᴏɴᴇ Oғ Tʜᴀᴛ Pʀᴇᴘᴀᴄᴋᴀɢᴇᴅ Sʜɪᴛ Hɪʟʙᴇᴀʀ Hᴀs Dᴏᴡɴ Iɴ Hɪs Lᴀʙ. I Kɴᴏᴡ Aʙᴏᴜᴛ Tʜᴀᴛ Sʜɪᴛ, Dᴏɢɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ, Dᴏɴ’ᴛ Tʀʏ Aɴᴅ Tʀɪᴘ Mᴇ Uᴘ Yᴏ. I Wᴀɴᴛ Mʏ Bʟᴏᴏᴅ, Dᴏɢɢ Eɪғғᴇʟ, Aɴᴅ Sᴏᴏɴ.”

Outside the room, there was a sudden noise. Dogg Eiffel opened the door to find Duck standing there. He didn’t know who duck was. So he was very confused. Duck then left.

Then again, everyone is sort not them anymore… Where even is Hera and Minkowski?


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13  
Jacobi had a moment of Clarity. he wusn’t exactly sure where he was -- but there was some gorillas and a strangely orange looking man. they were all starin at eachother da same. And it made Jacobi feel… uncomforatble. he wud have to fite his way out of here an find his way bak to da..................., whereever the hell he neds to be…........................ 

he pulled out his trusty,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, fuck all he had wuz a party horn. he wud find a way to use it to vicotyr


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14  
Cuttony was runnin tru da deck of da StarBlastor. he wasn’t exaclty surre how hed got here but he wuz too distracted by his now supwer gross face. his tongue had turned a gross color -- like the color of beef left outside for too long. Yy know like sorta purplish an also coverrd wit maggots an also mayb forming it’s own eco-system dat might have new speces never seen b4.  
suddenly he stopped suddenly wen he tripped over a small creaturer. he felt hard on his gross face (1 of his eys fell off an he wuz now kinda blind an super gross). hee turned over to see a small gnome.  
“Davenport!”  
“What are you (: (:”  
“Davenport! Daveeennnnnnnport!”  
“You look… like you would be… a good addition to my collective (: .”  
“Daven… port?”  
“Join me. Or else”


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15  
“Has anybody seen… like half of the crew?” Hilbert said, “I have not seen Cuttony, Minkowski, Hera, or Jacobi since at least the first half of this story.”  
“who r u talkig about?” Eiffel said confusedly.  
“You know, half of our crew?” Hilbert said  
“I haven’t a clew.” Is a baller sed, “LIke… whomst is Minowski? I dont think ive ever heard of that person before.”  
“YOu’ve never heard of --”  
suddenly a door slams open and Cuttoniport walks through -- noking Duck to their fe et.  
“Hello Boys and Girls! Its is i! Cuttoniport! I am the best possible creation in this world. And i am here to bring you all to my level.”  
“What the hell are you?”  
“Cuttoniport. Cuttoniport is cuttoniport.”  
“Why are you saying your name so much?” Hilbert said.  
“Is that the question you should be asking right now? Or should you be asking your self --”  
suddenly the door swung open and Jacobi walked through all of the suddn.  
“u guys,,, u left me behind and…”  
Duck saw Jacobi. Jacobi and Duck locked eyes.  
Duck lunged at Jacobi, wrapping his arms around Jacobis neck and pushing him to the floor.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16  
Jacobi and Duck were beating eachother senseless as they rolled through the hallways. they accidentally rolled into an escape pod. The escape pod launched. Jacobi started bashing Ducks face into the window, until the glass shattered -- just as they passed into the Blue Star.   
suddenly they found themselves inside a hotel, Duck grabbed Jacobi and started bashing his face into a mirror; Which kept repairing itself with each hit. Jacobi grabbed one of the glass shards before it repaired and stabbed duck in his stomach.  
Duck stumbled backwards out a door, jacobi followed him jumping on just as a weird VWARPing noise appeared around them. A blue box appeared out of no where and a main in a dark brown coat walked out, Jacobi and Duck rolled into the box as it dematerialized again as Jacobi smashed his face into the TARDIS’s console.  
Jacobi screamed as his face hit the console, pushing Duck away from him and kicked him in the stomach. Duck kicked him in the knee and grabbed him by his hair.   
The TARDIS materialized near a volcano, Jacobi pushes duck out the door, duck trips and lands on the ground. Catching fire (AN: not like da hungr games.).   
“I have the high ground, Duck!”   
Jacobi kicks Duck again, closer to the lava. Duck Screams before rolling into the lava and dying.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17  
Jacboik stepped out of da TARDIS n said “u guys,,, u left me behind and…”  
Jacboic sighs and catches his breathe, “Howcoulddareyou do that to me.”  
“Oh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Jacobi, ,,,,,,,,,,,,i didnt even realize you were gone.” Kermit said.  
“Cuttoniport doesn’t care about what the hell you’ve been through. Cuttoniport simply wants you all to die!”

And the da StarBlastor blue up.on da moond.


End file.
